Bring your Mother to Shul
By Rabbi Amram Maccabi
Everybody knows that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. But so is – age.
The most fearful of men, the most wrinkled of old ladies, as long as they have a parent who is alive, will forever hold young in their parents’ eyes. The same 60 year old man, who enters his office and is treated as a mature man, can enter another room in which he is perceived and treated as a beloved child.
This of course helps to remind us that indeed we are still, at least in some ways, children ourselves. It’s nice to remember and to feel so in our demanding world… c’est la vie.
What can we do so as not to take it for granted? So as not to regret that we did not cherish and show our appreciation to those who deserve it most when they needed it most? We all know our kids love us, problem is wearen’t always sure they know it themselves!
After bringing up our own children and having an idea of what our parents went through with us, how can we give our parents some nachas and show them they didn’t fail when they brought us up. How can we express our honor, respect and appreciation for all that they have done for us? Truth is, we can never fully repay the bill. Nothing can erase the wrinkles on their faces that were caused by pain, worry and sleepless nights because of us. We can’t give them back those lost days and nights during their best years, when they raised us instead of just having fun and living for themselves. But, what we can do is try to alleviate the burden and the loneliness that they might feel in the years that they still have left. It is never too late to start something good. After all, in your parents’ eyes, you still have your whole life ahead of you…
Here are a few tips I gathered from Halacha (Jewish law) and from social service information:
– Speak to them on a DAILY BASIS, maybe even for a 60 second call, to ask how they’re doing, if they need something or are just in a mood and need a slight catharsis.
– Bring your mother to Shul. She made sure you went to Hebrew School. It was important for her. Time to return the favour and the gift of being in a Jewish environment. Every person needs to feed his/her spirituality. As a matter of a fact, this is the time when our spiritual side should grow until the physical one lets go completely.
Make a habit of visiting Mom and Dad once a week, better to bring something to eat. Although it doesn’t come naturally for everyone, just sit together for twenty minutes, and in time it will. It is not only about the conversation; consider it a ‘thank you sitting together’ for the many hours he/she sat next to your bed whenever needed.
– “If I knew how wonderful it was to be a grandfather, I would have skipped the children and started
straight off with grandchildren. “ (A quote from one of my mother’s patients) Although it’s not entirely up to you, make every possible effort to keep the connection between your parents and their grandchildren.
– Here is a rule of thumb: Put yourself in your parents’ position. Now, you set an example for whatever you would like your children to learn from.

Adopt a parent
Nothing in the world can replace real parents – emotionally or morally; truly there is only one Mom and one Dad.
For one who is no longer blessed with parents, I have a suggestion – adopt a parent. I know it won’t be the same as your own Mom, but on her behalf, help one of her friends.
There will be moments, not like the time you played with Dad as kid, but each time you knock on the door of your Dad’s pal from Shul, I promise that your real Dad will knock on HASHEM’s door to ask for you. Your Dad will point downwards at the earth and tell HASHEM with pride: “Father in heaven, I am also a better Dad now!”
Frequent Excuses
Q. The service is too long, Mom won’t like it.
A. Bring her at the end of the service (last 20 minutes, around 10:50 am). If it’s still too much, only bring them for the second portion – the Kiddush. There they will have a nice luncheon, and once a month, a hot Cholent.
Q. I don’t go to Synagogue every Shabbat myself.
A. Well… It is a good time to start.. at least once a month. As a child they made sure you went to Shul;
now they’re doing it again 🙂
Q. Mom lives in Montreal! I can’t visit her on a weekly basis.
A. Do whatever you can. Call or even Skype if you can.
Q. I am not good at making small talk. My parents are going deaf and I’m not comfortable in these situations.
A. Social workers excluded – no one is comfortable in such situations. On the other hand, no one liked waking up in the middle of night to change a diaper, or fighting with a little child in a grocery store over a candy bar, or countless restless nights of waiting for a child to come back from a trip or a sleep over.
Q. Mom doesn’t want me to take her anywhere. Dad insists he would rather I didn’t visit or take him anywhere.
A. 1) They might just be worried about you missing time from work, or missing time with your kids. Listen to the un-spoken truth rather than the over protective parent.
A.2) Payback time. They forced you to go to Hebrew school, regular school, visit friends, mind your
manners…. because they knew it was for your own good. Now Mom and Dad are the dependants. Look after them.
Q. This is all good under normal circumstances, but I had a terrible childhood, with non-functioning parents that I had to assist.
A. Not going to argue this fact. Nevertheless, everything written here is not merely an emotional
obligation (although written this way), it is Jewish law! You may be one of the exceptional cases, but we understand again why HASHEM didn’t leave acts of kindness for our own logical consideration. Still this might be a not easy task to overcome, and I invite you to my office, so that we can try and find the best ways of handling this situation.
Q. My Dad is good. He lives in the best senior home in the city which tends to his each and every need in the most professional way…much better than I could ever do.
A. It is not about the food, but rather the person who brings it and sits next to you.
It is not simply to make sure they’re still alive but rather to know what there is to live for.
It is not just to entertain, but to care in a way that they’ll feel it. It is not only for a son being there. It is to be a son.
At the end of the day, you will reap the biggest benefit; moments to cherish and happy memories to store in your
heart.